can't sleep

Well it is 4 AM and still not time to get up. I am usually up by 4:30 AM but today I am early. I took the day off yesterday to take my wife to the doctor. I spent the whole day inside and did nothing but take care of her. I feel that she is making me a recluse. I don't have any contact with friends or family, except by phone. When I go shopping each week I go by myself because there is no one to go with. I have tried to get my wife to go with me for the last 20 years but she never would. She always had an excuse. I should be angry at her parents, they were the ones who caused this depression she has and with that came other illnesses. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I were not married, since I spend so much time alone now anyway. Well I have my online friends and that makes it a little easier to cope.
Time to go, it is my usual time to get up. So I will go to the job I used to like and come home to my reclusive wife and take care of her as best as I can.

Commitment

I live in a state where the word commitment doesn't mean much. Growing up I learned that your word is your bond. When you say you will do some thing, it means you are committing yourself to your word. In the state of Utah that means nothing. I guess I am referring to those I work with and those who live here. The company I work for doesn't know the meaning of the word. They are a bunch of accountants that look at numbers instead of the people that make those numbers work. The people they hire don't understand the word, much less it's meaning. Hell they don't even speak English much less understand it.
Toady's youth in the work place don't care whether they do a good job, if the product they produce is of good quality or their work ethics. All they want is to get a paycheck, have fun and then go home. Lets face it, the company I work for has no incentive to work efficiently, produce a quality product or enforce the rules they themselves have set up. There is no support from the "higher ups" for those who do try to make things better, and as a result the rules are left to deteriorate.
I guess it is time for me not to care much anymore, I used to get such great satisfaction from my job until I moved to Utah, the tenth happiest state in the union.
So I will end this diatribe, consider my position and learn not to care about what I do or what I say, because the word is no longer the bond.

A life of Dreams

I have watched people for a long time, I see them interact on the street, on TV and in small areas like stores and shops. I see husbands and wives holding hands as they do their errands, young lovers with their arms around each other. I see the elderly couples look at each other in a way that expresses so much.
It has been a long time since I have done any of these things. The family has long departed, daughters married and raising their own children, sons off on a new career with wives and children. Meanwhile I am sitting here writing wishful thoughts, looking at what I would like life to be like. A women by my side that can laugh, tease, and sing little tunes, even if she can't sing. Someone to do errands with, pick out household items and even tell me that my shirts are worn out. Someone  that likes short walks on sunny days, hot cocoa on cold nights and likes to sit next to me watching a movie. Someone who can show me a different side of life, one that I have never experienced. Since that may never happen, and especially since no one is going to read this anyway, I will say that I am still hopeful that I may have life changes before I vanish from this earth.

" Space the final frontier"

Does the title sound familiar? I have been watching some space movies, NOVA, Star Trek etc. and I was wondering what it would be like to live on a space ship. There are some advantages, such as no need for money, no grocery shopping, entertainment would be provided daily, your job would be more interesting and the scenery would truly be different. The disadvantages would be never seeing your family and relatives again, unless they were with you, never seeing the sun shine or a summer breeze blowing on your face. You may see distant planets with a similar atmosphere, but somehow it would not be the same. There are dangers of course, most of them unknown. But if you have an adventurous nature, it might be quite interesting.
So someday in the future you may be asked to join a space voyage, what would your answer be?

Generally speaking

I have often noticed that most people don't know their neighbors. Years ago most of the inhabitants of a neighborhood knew everyone on the block. Their children played together, outdoors, went to school together and walked, yes walked, home from school together. Todays society doesn't have that same sense of belonging. We have become a mobile people, moving from one place to another to make ends meet or going after that next big pay check. Companies don't have the same loyalty as in the past. If you can't do the job than you are out, instead of finding a place in the workforce to help you fit. I have heard a lot of stories about the number of jobs that are listed on resumes. I myself have only had seven in the last 50 years.
Whether we like it or not, we have to live among other people in order to survive. So get to know your neighbor and help the new employee fit into the company you work for.
Since no one reads this, it is safe to say that these changes will never happen.

for real

Today I got depressed. Not because that is my nature, but because I was tired. Sometimes I would like to go on a vacation with no worries and no one to bother me. I like being out in the world. I like nature and exploring new places. Maybe it is a city I have never been to or a hiking trail I have never been on. I'm not crazy about big cities but I do like museums and small shops. I like quiet and maybe a little noise. I like the east coast, but have never been to the west coast. I would like to travel the US. I know these things will never happen because I am tied down by someone who does not like to leave the house. So every once in awhile I get depressed and I go to Google Earth to view the places I cannot get to.

Time

This will probably be short but the amount of time I spend sleeping is far short of the norm. I made the mistake of buying a bed online, the one we got from JC Penny is firm to the point of being uncomfortable. There seems to be a high spot on the inner portion of the bed. I guess I will have to swallow the $1200 I spent for it and get a more comfortable mattress.
The second part of this time episode is the number of times I have to get up at night to take my wife to the bathroom. we have been married for over 40 years. She started out being mentally "handicapped" and it progressed to being physically handicapped. She now needs help getting around and makes no effort to try to get around by herself. I have seen older women in the grocery store, with their oxygen in tow, doing their weekly shopping. I will have to admit that some  of this is my own doing. I never made her have to do things on her own and now I am paying the price.
So at some point I will have to retire, not because I want to, but because I am to tired to go to work. Time spent in a garden will do me a lot of good, time to take a nap will help also.